A Collection of Random Thoughts

I'm sitting on our living room floor, surrounded by blocks, gears, musical instruments, puzzles, cars, balls, stuffed animals. My 3 month old Joseph (Joey, Joe, Jo-Jo) is asleep on his little bed right next to me. John (almost 3 years old) is napping in his bed. All is right with the world. I reach up to Joey every time he wimpers or cries (I just started the dishwasher and I think the noise of that 40-year-old appliance scares him) and I hold his hand. His other tiny hand holds mine and I melt. It is hard to type one-handed, but worth it.

Joseph was born at the end of October, on the 23rd to be exact, so he is on the cusp of his birth sign. And I don't know what his birth sign is. Twenty years ago I would have known it, known the symbol for it, known the characteristics of it. Now I have other interests. Other pressing issues to spend time on. Like: "Is it possible my 3 month old baby is teething?" and "How do I (legally) keep the binky in his mouth so he doesn't suck his thumb?" and "How do I handle my almost-3-year-old's temper tantrums, which happen when I least expect it?" and "How do I NOT give in to my almost-3-year-old when he wants what he wants when he wants it, and I want him to be quiet to let the baby sleep?" and "Why am I not producing more milk? I'm taking Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle faithfully..." and "Why do I not have the energy or motivation to exercise or at least take the kids on a daily walk?" and "Why do I keep eating, all day, every day? I'm not even hungry. I'm not EVER hungry. I don't wait long enough to get hungry, I just put food into the hole." and "How can I get motivated to clean the house, the bathroom, the basement, our bedrooms, the kitchen floor, the patio, the living room, the mantle, the piano, the counters, the car?" and "Is it wrong for me to want to talk to someone other than my almost-3-year-old and my 3-month-old? Is it wrong for me to feel lonely for adult interaction after spending ALL DAY with an infant and a toddler?" And the guilt sets in....

I've been looking at Pre-schools for John and decided, after visiting some and talking to other moms about it, to send him to the Montessori school that comes HIGHLY recommended by many random people in my life: my neighbor, the family I tutor (no reflection on the montessori school, just on the child and her confidence in math), their nanny who taught there, my sister's montessori teacher whose grand-daughter attends this school, my friend at co-op who attended the montessori school and will soon teach there. It is 5 days a week though, and I'm afraid to let John leave me 5 days a week. I want him with me. He will be in school full-time until he is almost 30 (he's going to be a doctor, of course). But I can"t offer all of the wonderful experiences the school can. I don't have lots of peers for him to play with and learn from and teach. I don't have lots of centers that offer educational and creative and stimulating and challenging experiences. I don't have the ability (patience) to teach a 3 year old how to read and sew and write and count and peel carrots and slice hard-boiled eggs and form words with cursive letters and play the auto-harp and paint and make things out of clay and play dress-up and put things away and do puzzles and act in plays. And that's just one day at montessori (: He will learn some of those things, of course, with me. He will learn to share and negotiate and take turns and fight and defend and protect - he has a little brother. Best friends for life (I pray).

But this whole pre-school issue has been big for me, because of the 5-day-a-week thing. He's only a toddler, he'll be three in April, he's little. Who will protect him? Who will keep people from hurting his feelings? I can't be there for 5 mornings a week. Who will encourage him? Who will watch his every move and expression and fill with love and pride? Who will melt every time he shares with someone or says "thank you" and "please" without reminding? Who will wink at him across the room, just to let him know he's noticed? Who will appreciate the cute way he runs, with a skip and a hop mixed in? Who will love his hands that still have dimples in them? Who will notice the clever things he says, the insight he has, the wisdom that pours from him? Am I being a bit TOO MUCH? No, he's my baby John. He's my first-born, my sweet angel. I want to be there for him, to be all of what I just mentioned and more. I want so much to protect him. I actually cry when I think of people hurting his feelings. He is so sensitive and loving and sweet. He would not hurt a fly (he would smash baby Joey on the head while I'm nursing, but he would not hurt a fly nor any other creature). My little John is growing up too fast and I'm sending him to a 5-day-a-week preschool? What am I thinking?